Ms Prim & Ms Proper.....go clubbing

Ms Prim and  Ms Proper had lived a conservative life, as you can imagine. They had breakfast at breakfast time, lunch at lunch time, tea at teatime and supper at supper time. They were home makers and home bodies and were as happy as lambs whether they were reading, baking, gardening, painting, shopping, taking a walk or gazing at the night sky. They never ventured far from home as their home was always sweet and that’s just the way they liked it.

 Ms Proper was in her element on the budgeting side. She was good with figures and crunched those numbers in her delicate way and everything always added up. There was never a question of cooking the books as she couldn’t abide the stains and crumbs that might get on them!  Ms Proper was the ultimate pragmatist and her philosophy was “a place for everything and everything in its place!” The only trouble was that she could never seem to keep her heart and head  in their rightful places.  Her heart said: “he loves me, he must, I’m so proper..” and her head disagreed!

 Ms Prim was less of a neat freak and more of a spiritual cleanser. She wanted her mind cleaner than her draws! Her heart was like the crown jewels – under heavy armed guard – it was too precious to give away so she hadn’t!  Ms Prim was a singleton but a daughter, sister, wife and mother to all.  Ms Prim thought great thoughts but none of them served her well in the real world.  Being an idealist, she saw the good in everyone and her heart bled for many a poor soul.

One of those poor souls happened to be  Ms Dirty Stop-Out.  Ms D.S.O would have been challenge to anyone. She just didn’t care what she wore, how much she swore or the time she came home. She certainly lived up to her name.  Ms Prim took pity on her one day and brought her home.

 Ms Proper was none too pleased at the dishevelled house guest who wore a bandage for a dress, two inch thick layer of foundation, sporting  beestung red lips, and back-combed  hair that looked as if she’d dragged through a hedge backwards and four inch heels. She was a sight for the rested eyes of Prim and Proper.

 Ms Proper’s eyes were like saucers.

“You need a bath and a make-under!” declared  Ms Proper.

“Hey homie!” said  Ms Dirty Stop-Out, “you gotta a beer?”

 Ms Prim sighed and  Ms Proper rolled her eyes. The nearest thing to an alcoholic beverage in their home was white wine vinegar that  Ms Proper used to clean around the bathroom taps. 

“Why does she insist on calling us homies?” whispered Proper, “we only speak the Queen’s English here”.

“I suppose it’s because we’re always at home!” explained Prim, feeling dim. Her latest crusade was to change lives and that meant doing something life-changing.

I must save this lost soul she thought.

“You know what you need,” said  Ms D.S.O. taking off her heels.

“Deodrant?” offered  Ms Proper wrinkling her nose at the stale odour that wafted around D.S.O.

“I’m wearing this new perfume that my bf gave me,” said D.S.O. waving her wrist at her.

 Ms Proper’s nostrils were being violated and she was blue from holding her breath.

 Ms Prim hit upon an idea.

“If you agree to have a bath and a make-under then we’ll go out clubbing with you tonight!”

 Ms Proper exhaled loudly and started coughing.

“Deal,” said D.S.O. ,” you both need a chill pill!”

 Ms Proper shivered as the blood ran cold in her veins. What had gotten into Prim?

“We need to step out of our sterile world and empathise with the lost souls.”

“Those lost souls have germs, bacteria, algae and plankton growing on them,” replied Proper, feeling faint.

“I’ll make you a nice cup of tea and everything will be fine,” said Prim ushering her into the kitchen.

 

Evening approached with trepidation at the idea of  Ms Prim and Proper going out on the town.

“I have never painted the town red,” said Proper as she got ready, “ I always use pastels.”

 Ms Prim understood how hard this was for her friend but she wanted to have a new experience and that meant mingling with M-E-N! She wasn’t worried for herself as her defences had an electric fence around them.  Proper’s head and heart often changed places and a romantic Pierce Brosnan lookalike would have her eating out of his hand.

Finally, it was time to go and the three misfits headed off to “Club Minger” in a taxi.

“That’s a strange name,” said Proper, “minger, what’s a minger?”

“Oh it’s a street talk for sophisticated,” said Prim quickly as D.S.O dissolved into a fit of giggles.

The bass could be heard a mile away and Prim and Proper looked at each other incredulously.

What were they thinking of but it was too late to turn back now.

D.S.O. led them to a dark doorway and down some stairs until they reached a large area crammed with bodies – swaying, writhing, gyrating, jerking, drinking and shouting.

“And this is supposed to be fun?” said Proper aghast.

She’d have had more fun tidying up the garden shed, putting stakes on the foxgloves and keeping up with the shenanigans in the latest Mills and Boon romance. 

 Ms Prim was also experiencing withdrawal symptoms and questioned her wisdom. She would have gone for a cycle ride, had a shower and watched “Couples who Kill.”

D.S.O brought them some drinks that made Prim & Proper gasp as their stomachs burned. She then pulled them up onto the dance floor and started thrusting her hips and doing some kind of robotic dance.

“It’s moon walking,” should D.S.O above the booming music.

Proper watched her and thought: I’ve looked out at the moon at night and I’ve never seen any walkers on it!”

“Have some ecstasy,” said D.S.O handing both Prim and Proper a tablet each.

Prim promptly swallowed hers and the room started to spin.

Proper looked at it suspiciously and took a large swig of vodka laced orange. She was feeling strange already and it’d be quite improper to admit that she was feeling tipsy, woozy and downright drunk! She would resist the ecstasy and endure the agony of having a splitting headache.

Prim was having glorious visions and felt as if she was flying. It was like being in a large kaleidoscope and she felt as if she’d died and gone to heaven.

“I’m in Wonderland,” she cried, whirling like a dervish.

“Stop that,” said Proper who was having a hard time staying upright, “let’s get out here!”

“What about Dirty Stop-Out?” wailed Prim, “ I have to save her soul and I feel there are angels around me acting as my guides. I’m having an out-of-body experience!”

“You’ll have a near death one at my hands in a minute!” said Proper through clenched teeth.

She hailed a taxi and within half an hour they were both home.

Proper was in the bathroom throwing up (properly!) and Prim was splayed out on the bed talking to the fairies.

“Louella is here and wants to sprinkle some fairy dust!”

“Dust?” said Proper weakly, “dust is not welcome in this house.”

“I’m so ecstastic,” said Prim

“You’re hilarious!” retorted Proper, “ now get ready for bed”.

As they were about to turn out the lights, there was a knock on the door.

As Prim opened it,  Ms Dirty Stop-Out tumbled in. She was the worse for wear and was minus her shoes.

“C..can I kip here tonight? “ asked D.S.O

“Of course,” said Prim generously whilst Proper’s head started to throb.

I lost my shoes but the soles were worn out anyway and I needed a new pair, “ said D.S.O

“You can have a pair of mine in the morning.”

At that moment, D.SO collapsed and the two ladies carried her to the sofa.

“What did you do that for?” asked Proper crossly.

“Because she’s given me a way to save her soul. I can give her my soles instead!”

Proper shook her head; Prim could be such an air head sometimes.

“The only club I’ll be going near is a club sandwich; let’s treat ourselves tomorrow!” she said.

They both went off to bed listening to the loud snoring coming from the sofa.