Ms Prim & Ms Proper,,,,,,,,,, at the Dinner & Dance

The big day had arrived. Mses Prim & Proper were dolled up and almost ready for the off.

Prim was fretting over Poupou who had a cold. He was now snuggled in the hay with a fleece blanket and a hot water bottle.

“It’s those squirrels in the garden; he must have caught a germ from them!” fussed Prim.

“I thought you said they were his friends!” said Proper.

“But friends don’t have to share everything…especially germs!” replied Prim cryptically.

Proper was dressed in an elegant, silk creation that a friend of hers had brought back from an exotic holiday and Prim was in a rather striking ensemble that had been donated by Angelina Jolie to the charity shop. Even Proper had to admit that Prim’s timing for dress hunting was impeccable.

Proper was going to drive them but their friend, Ms Brain-Dead had volunteered and she was bringing along Ms Broken Record so it was going to be an interesting evening.

Ms Brain-Dead did not like anyone talking when she was in the driving seat (which was just as well as they wouldn’t have to listen to Broken-Record)  so they all stayed tight-lipped to the hotel.

Ms Broken-Record let out a string of expletives as she stepped into a large puddle and Prim and Proper hoped she wouldn’t go on about it the whole night.

All four ladies stepped into the hotel and were then ushered into the banqueting hall.

There was a sumptuous buffet laid out and the mood lighting gave everything a soft glow so even Ms Ugly Betty looked good. There was a live jazz band that were playing some lively tunes.

“It’s lovely isn’t it?” said Proper, quite in awe.

“Food’s great,” said Ms Free-Loader who had her plate piled high.

“Hope there’ll be some left for us,” said Prim, through clenched teeth.

“I’d like some chilli wine,” said Brain-Dead.

“Nothing can perk up those dormant brain cells!” piped up Prim.

“Oooh….she’s wearing the new perfume by Donna Karan,” observed Proper.

“More like Doner Kebab and smells just as cheap!” said Prim who was starting to itch in her suit.

The only damper on the evening was the fact that Broken-Record and Brain-Dead seemed to be stuck to them like glue and wouldn’t allow them to mingle.

“Would you ladies like to dance?” two low voices whispered in their ears.

Prim whirled around to face Mr Ego and Proper faced her nemesis, Mr Narcissus.

“That would be lovely,” said Prim, graciously as it was some respite from Brain-Dead and Broken-Record.

Even Proper, usually nervous in the company of her arch enemy felt herself warm to a gentleman’s company though Narcissus was no gentle man!

The band started to play some slow numbers and Prim and Proper found themselves locked in their arms.

“So how’s tricks?” asked Narcissus.

“Oh ticking over, don’t you know,” replied Proper, who was on her guard. She’d had a date with Mr Narcissus sometime ago and it had ended disastrously. They’d spent a day in the safari park and Proper had got locked inside the Panda enclosure and Narcissus had pretended not to notice and had joked about how nutritious a diet of bamboo shoots could be.

“Are you still mad with me?” asked Narcissus

Proper stiffened her upper lip.

“Not at all…..I know what you are…a manpanzee!”

“Very drole!” replied Narcissus,” now what do you think of my outfit…Armani no less….am I not a feast for the eyes?”

Narcissus was overdressed as usual and had a cravat, cumberband, braces and silk suit.

“Ham dressed as veal!”

“Those two seem to be enjoying themselves,” said Narcissus, eyeing himself in the large mirror.

Proper glanced over and saw Prim twisting and turning, flinging her arms around whilst Ego seemed to be matching her movements. They were like a pair of vulgar whirling dervishes. Proper was shocked.

 “I know you don’t want to know what I’ve been doing but here goes……, fixing a mirror onto my bedroom ceiling, trying out a new maid (very tiring), pruning and shearing, polishing and dusting until I can see my face on every surface, arranging and re-arranging the furniture, laying the table, organising the linen cupboard, adding to my wardrobe, cleaning the car and tinkering in the garage,” said Narcissus.

“Well that doesn’t sound like fun!”

“My mind’s a devil’s workshop and there’s no rest for the wicked,” beamed Narcissus quite oblivious to his vanity and Proper doubted his sanity.

“Oh look, there’s Ms Ageing Cougar and her arm candy, Turkish Delight,” said Proper trying to extricate herself from his clutches.

 “That old Bagpuss has had her day; she’s had the wedding ring and now she’s got the suffe-ring!”

“And you’re  insufferable!” snapped Proper heading towards Ageing Cougar and her partner.

“Hello Prop,” Ageing Cougar had had a few too many drinks by the looks of it.

 “This is my Turkish Delight, Yusuf.”

Mr Turkish Delight was leering at her and his eyes never left her cleavage.

Proper noticed his slicked back hair, smart suit and a fez on top of his head. He bowed to her and kissed her  hand.

“We’re going to buy a boat and sail around the world, aren’t we darling?” said Ageing Cougar who could barely stand unaided.

“Only if he’s allowed a visa,” whispered Prim who had joined the group.

Prim’s clothes were dishevelled and her hair looked as if she’d been pulled through a hedge backwards.

“What happened to you and what were you doing with Ego?”

“I had the itches and Ego was helping – for a change!” replied Prim, “this suit apparently was used in Angelina’s last film when she played a jungle queen – it’s got bugs!”

 “It’s not been a great evening,” said Proper.

“Nor for me, especially after Ego said that rabbit pie was on the menu,” said Prim.

The ladies got their coats and headed out.

Brain-Dead suddenly had a brain wave though Prim and Proper felt it could be more of a tumour.

“Let’s stop off on the way at Jimmy Choo’s,” she said.

“My Jimmy Choo’s got a right old dunking thanks to your parking in that puddle; my Jimmy Choo’s got a right old dunking thanks to your parking in that puddle; my Jimmy Choo’s got a right old dunking thanks to your parking in that puddle,” repeated Broken-Record like a parrot on speed.

“Oh put a sock in your Jimmy Choo’s” said Prim.

Brain-Dead drove in silence and stopped in front of the chip shop.

“Here we are; Jimmy’s still open for last orders!!!”