Prim and Proper
were on their first ever transatlantic flight to New York and being members of
the Executive Infrequent Flyers Club they had to check in early.
Prim was wearing
her special motion sickness wristbands and Proper had a supply of plastic bags
and Olbas oil ready for take off. Due to their
air travel sensitivities and Proper’s penchant for the dashing co-pilot
that she had spotted in the departure lounge, the ladies were seated near the
cockpit.
As the engines
churned so did Prim’s stomach and she grabbed the sick bag.
“Don’t make a
show of yourself,” admonished Proper, “we haven’t even got off the ground.”
“I can’t help
it,” wailed Prim,”I just hate flying!”
“You’ve watched
too many of those disaster movies,” replied Proper, settling into her economy
seat, ”New York is just a hop, skip and a jump over the Atlantic.”
“Atlantic? The
ocean?” said Prim nervously,” what if we hit an iceberg?”
“There are no
icebergs in the air……but we might hit a few flying pigs!” teased Proper.
“Ladies, don’t
worry about a thing,” said a deep, velvety voice behind them,” you’re in safe
hands.”
The handsome
co-pilot smiled at both of them and Proper’s heart melted….like an iceberg. She
would love to be in those capable hands. Prim wasn’t sure about his hands or
anything else at this precise moment. Her stomach was doing back flips and her
head was throbbing.
Proper was more
of a seasoned traveller as she had traversed the world from the comfort of her
computer on Google Earth. From Bali to Burundi and Marrakesh to Margate; she
was rarely sick in the air but Google Earth moved her taste buds and made her
ever so peckish.
After a
gruelling eight hour flight, the ladies found themselves in JFK airport
standing in line for immigration checks.
Prim thought
they’d arrived in the land of frozen facial muscles as the official’s face did
not move as he spoke.
“Botox,”
declared Proper,” they’re all at it over here.”
Soon they were
checked and cross checked and taken to their hotel.
Proper had big
plans to go bananas in all the designer shops and Prim thought she’d rather
just eat one.
Her stomach
contents, together with her five-a-day, had been emptied and she was starving.
Good old Proper had packed some bread and butter sandwiches and saved the day.
The next day,
they went to the office to collect their New York pass so that they could take
in all the major attractions. Apparently, it was the custom to “stand in line”
on this side of the Atlantic and the customer service agent was in no hurry to
get you out of the line.
“I’m going to
pass out waiting for this pass,” cried Prim, who wanted to savour the culinary
delights of a Kroberry Kronut.
After getting
the pass and by this time, Prim and Proper were convinced that they were the only
ones with movable faces as they tittered and giggled to their heart’s content.
“What funny
people!” exclaimed Proper, “ so what do you want to see first?”
“The Museum of
Sex please,” declared Prim
“Whaaat?”
“Yes, I want to
know how it’s done US-style!”
“You will do no
such thing,” said Proper,” we’re not here to look at the white goods. I know
you have this fascination with electrical things but we can see Battery Park
later!”
“Do you know
where Lady Liberty is?” asked a young woman with a thick French accent.
“Oh la la,
Madame eez on the ile of Ellis,” replied Proper in her best French that she’d
learnt from Henri, their exchange visitor.
“Lady Liberty is
indisposed today but you’ll find her at Downton Abbey, “ added Prim……thinking
that she must be the American version of Lady Muck.
Proper glared at
her and knew that only a little designer retail therapy would fix her mood.
The ladies
stepped into Macy’s and found themselves engulfed in brands, bags, cosmetics
and linens.
Proper’s head
was swivelling like she was possessed and her eyes took in every nook and
cranny.
Magnificent
Michael Kors, captivating Calvin Klein, delicious Donna Karan, downright
gorgeous Dolce & Gabbana, vivacious Vera Wang and juicier than juicy Juicy
Couture….Proper thought she’d died and gone to designer heaven!
Prim eyed those
price tags with suspicion.
“Look,” squealed
Proper,” Guess!”
“I couldn’t
possibly guess or even speculate on how many sweat shops have supplied these
luxury brands,” said Prim.
“Guess jeans!”
hissed Proper,” they’re really trendy!”
Prim knew that
anything that cost four figures wasn’t worth guessing the price of.
After shopping
they needed some refreshments.
There was so
much on offer in the Big Apple: Pikabs (aka Pizza Kebab) First immigrant Pie
(aka Cottage Pie) Croc-in-the -swamp (Toad in the hole), Polka-Dot Pecan Pie (Spotted
Dick), Groundnut Zero (aka Strudel), Humble Crumble (Prim and Proper’s fave)
and AK-47 Rifle trifle (aka Delia Smith’s family favourite).
Not only were
there so many fusions of food but people too.
Their tour guide
on the “Lucky-if-you-can-hop-on-and-grateful-to-hop-off bus” said that he was
Pandorrian – his mother was from Peru and his father from Andorra. They also
met a Philadelaskian – half Philadelphia and half Alaska – and it reminded
Proper that she liked her Alaska baked.
“My aunt May
Belline lives here,” said Prim, on their last day.
May Belline –
that name rang a bell. The cosmetics
brand thought Proper, perhaps they could get some freebies.
“Where does she
work?”
“In the Twin
Towers,” said Prim, sniffing.
“Oh…is she a
survivor?”
“Oh yes….she
took her hubby to the cleaners and wrote a book all about surviving divorce
called “The X files,” explained Prim.
“And where is
she now?”
“Owns an island
in the Bahamas and lives there in the winter with her very own Man-Friday!”
The next
landmark the ladies took in was the neck breaking Empire State.
“Oooh, I feel
dizzy,” said Proper as the elevator zoomed to the observation level as she felt
the pizza she’d had for lunch flip in
her stomach.
Prim has seen
“King Kong” and wondered if the gorilla
had got an Oscar for his performance. She felt quite overawed and as she peeped
over the iron railings.
“They’re land animals you know…not supposed to
be on top of buildings!” mumbled Prim.
“What are you
talking about?
“King Kong……he
certainly had a head for heights didn’t he?”
Proper pursed
her lips together. She didn’t want to burst Prim’s bubble…if she wanted to
believe in King Kong then so be it. Prim was an ardent animal lover!
The Big Apple
was certainly large with plenty to do for the avid shopper (Proper) and even
amongst the smart boutiques of Fifth Avenue there was some spiritual sustenance
in the form of St Patrick’s cathedral so Prim’s needs were taken care of too.
New York, New
York….the ladies did enjoy this juicy fruit (quite unlike a Granny
Smith’s)…..and Prim and Proper had chewed it to the core.
