Ms Prim and Ms Proper take a bite out of the Big Apple

 

Prim and Proper were on their first ever transatlantic flight to New York and being members of the Executive Infrequent Flyers Club they had to check in early.

Prim was wearing her special motion sickness wristbands and Proper had a supply of plastic bags and Olbas oil ready for take off. Due to their  air travel sensitivities and Proper’s penchant for the dashing co-pilot that she had spotted in the departure lounge, the ladies were seated near the cockpit.

As the engines churned so did Prim’s stomach and she grabbed the sick bag.

“Don’t make a show of yourself,” admonished Proper, “we haven’t even got off the ground.”

“I can’t help it,” wailed Prim,”I just hate flying!”

“You’ve watched too many of those disaster movies,” replied Proper, settling into her economy seat, ”New York is just a hop, skip and a jump over the Atlantic.”

“Atlantic? The ocean?” said Prim nervously,” what if we hit an iceberg?”

“There are no icebergs in the air……but we might hit a few flying pigs!” teased Proper.

“Ladies, don’t worry about a thing,” said a deep, velvety voice behind them,” you’re in safe hands.”

The handsome co-pilot smiled at both of them and Proper’s heart melted….like an iceberg. She would love to be in those capable hands. Prim wasn’t sure about his hands or anything else at this precise moment. Her stomach was doing back flips and her head was throbbing.

Proper was more of a seasoned traveller as she had traversed the world from the comfort of her computer on Google Earth. From Bali to Burundi and Marrakesh to Margate; she was rarely sick in the air but Google Earth moved her taste buds and made her ever so peckish.

After a gruelling eight hour flight, the ladies found themselves in JFK airport standing in line for  immigration checks.

Prim thought they’d arrived in the land of frozen facial muscles as the official’s face did not move as he spoke.

“Botox,” declared Proper,” they’re all at it over here.”

 

Soon they were checked and cross checked and taken to their hotel.

Proper had big plans to go bananas in all the designer shops and Prim thought she’d rather just eat one.

Her stomach contents, together with her five-a-day, had been emptied and she was starving. Good old Proper had packed some bread and butter sandwiches and saved the day.

The next day, they went to the office to collect their New York pass so that they could take in all the major attractions. Apparently, it was the custom to “stand in line” on this side of the Atlantic and the customer service agent was in no hurry to get you out of the line.

“I’m going to pass out waiting for this pass,” cried Prim, who wanted to savour the culinary delights of  a Kroberry Kronut.

After getting the pass and by this time, Prim and Proper were convinced that they were the only ones with movable faces as they tittered and giggled to their heart’s content.

“What funny people!” exclaimed Proper, “ so what do you want to see first?”

“The Museum of Sex please,” declared Prim

“Whaaat?”

“Yes, I want to know how it’s done US-style!”

“You will do no such thing,” said Proper,” we’re not here to look at the white goods. I know you have this fascination with electrical things but we can see Battery Park later!”

“Do you know where Lady Liberty is?” asked a young woman with a thick French accent.

“Oh la la, Madame eez on the ile of Ellis,” replied Proper in her best French that she’d learnt from Henri, their exchange visitor.

“Lady Liberty is indisposed today but you’ll find her at Downton Abbey, “ added Prim……thinking that she must be the American version of Lady Muck.

Proper glared at her and knew that only a little designer retail therapy would fix her mood.

The ladies stepped into Macy’s and found themselves engulfed in brands, bags, cosmetics and linens.

Proper’s head was swivelling like she was possessed and her eyes took in every nook and cranny.

Magnificent Michael Kors, captivating Calvin Klein, delicious Donna Karan, downright gorgeous Dolce & Gabbana, vivacious Vera Wang and juicier than juicy Juicy Couture….Proper thought she’d died and gone to designer heaven!

Prim eyed those price tags with suspicion.

“Look,” squealed Proper,” Guess!”

“I couldn’t possibly guess or even speculate on how many sweat shops have supplied these luxury brands,” said Prim.

“Guess jeans!” hissed Proper,” they’re really trendy!”

Prim knew that anything that cost four figures wasn’t worth guessing the price of.

After shopping they needed some refreshments.

There was so much on offer in the Big Apple: Pikabs (aka Pizza Kebab) First immigrant Pie (aka Cottage Pie) Croc-in-the -swamp (Toad in the hole), Polka-Dot Pecan Pie (Spotted Dick), Groundnut Zero (aka Strudel), Humble Crumble (Prim and Proper’s fave) and AK-47 Rifle trifle (aka Delia Smith’s family favourite).

Not only were there so many fusions of food but people too.

Their tour guide on the “Lucky-if-you-can-hop-on-and-grateful-to-hop-off bus” said that he was Pandorrian – his mother was from Peru and his father from Andorra. They also met a Philadelaskian – half Philadelphia and half Alaska – and it reminded Proper that she liked her Alaska baked.

“My aunt May Belline lives here,” said Prim, on their last day.

May Belline – that name rang a bell.  The cosmetics brand thought Proper, perhaps they could get some freebies.

“Where does she work?”

“In the Twin Towers,” said Prim, sniffing.

“Oh…is she a survivor?”

“Oh yes….she took her hubby to the cleaners and wrote a book all about surviving divorce called “The X files,” explained Prim.

“And where is she now?”

“Owns an island in the Bahamas and lives there in the winter with her very own Man-Friday!”

The next landmark the ladies took in was the neck breaking Empire State.

“Oooh, I feel dizzy,” said Proper as the elevator zoomed to the observation level as she felt the pizza she’d had  for lunch flip in her stomach.

Prim has seen “King Kong” and  wondered if the gorilla had got an Oscar for his performance. She felt quite overawed and as she peeped over the iron railings.

 “They’re land animals you know…not supposed to be on top of buildings!” mumbled Prim.

“What are you talking about?

“King Kong……he certainly had a head for heights didn’t he?”

Proper pursed her lips together. She didn’t want to burst Prim’s bubble…if she wanted to believe in King Kong then so be it. Prim was an ardent animal lover!

The Big Apple was certainly large with plenty to do for the avid shopper (Proper) and even amongst the smart boutiques of Fifth Avenue there was some spiritual sustenance in the form of St Patrick’s cathedral so Prim’s needs were taken care of too.

New York, New York….the ladies did enjoy this juicy fruit (quite unlike a Granny Smith’s)…..and Prim and Proper had chewed it to the core.