Mses Prim and
Proper were about to embark on an adventure. They were going on an expedition
to the Antarctic and though this was certainly not Proper’s cup of tea (or even
green tea) she thought she’d give it a whirl. It was the Prada Ice Challenge
and all the best people were going so she thought she’d tag along.
Prim was in her
element in the colder climes as it meant she had to cover up, layer-upon-layer,
she loved it and felt impregnable. No man can conquer me in this get up, was
her stance. Once kitted out in thermals, salopetts, ski jacket, fur boots, hat,
scarf, gloves and mask, there was no flesh visible. Who would find someone
dressed like a Yeti attractive? thought Proper.
Proper on the
other hand had chosen to wear her fur trimmed Gucci wedge boots,(every inch
counts!) Hugo Boss ski wear, Ray Bans and, most importantly her Prada
handbag. She just had to impress their sponsor not to mention Ms Bling-Bling, Ms
Hilton Hotel, Mr Carat Cartier, Mr Coupon-Champion and the team leaders -
who were none other than the world-renowned ex-SAS officer and intrepid
explorer Servin’ Shervin and his faithful Sherpa.
The party had to
carry minimal provisions but Proper found she just couldn’t travel light, she
couldn’t live without her eyelash curlers, heated rollers, curling tongs,
electric blanket and lavender scented tea lights. Ms Bling-Bling and Ms Hilton
Hotel were in agreement, there were certain little luxuries they couldn’t live
without even in the Arctic.
“My fingers have
turned a deeper shade of blue,” cried Ms Bling-Bling,” not my colour at all!”
“But your eyes
are as blue as midnight and the man you’ve left behind must be feeling blue
without you,” said Servin Shervin soothingly.
Ms Bling-Bling
eyed him carefully; he was quite the charmer.
“My nose is as
red as Rudolph’s,” declared Ms Hilton Hotel.
“And red is the
colour of my heart that beats in time to yours,” trilled Servin Shervin.
Proper was
rather suspicious of this character, after her brush with Mr Narcissus, she was
reticent since charm could do a lot of harm. What was more curious was
that the team leader seemed quite smitten with Prim…..and that was a first!
“I’m religious
you know,” said Prim, ” and this is a kind of Msion for me; I’ve sacrificed the
comforts of civilisation to live amongst the poor.”
“Oh, I
understand completely,” said Servin’ Shervin,” I love the Msionary position
myself.”
“What poor?”
snapped Proper, surveying the white expanse where there was not a soul in
sight.
“Perhaps we
might come across a homeless Eskimo?”
“I seem to have
lost a few studs off my diamonte ski poles,” complained Ms Bling-Bling,” and I
can barely see through this blizzard.”
“Were those two
for one?” asked Mr Coupon- Champion,”that’s how I ended up in the Arctic; it
was an online mystery travel prize – 50% off!”
“This is no
prize; it’s a near death experience “ replied Proper, who looked proper
frozen,” I know what I’ve lost – my brain and all my senses!”
“Come, come my
dear, “ said Servin Shervin,” my Sherpa will help you get warmed up. I’ve found
that a little Jack Daniels never fails.”
Little Jack
Daniels, thought Proper, I hope I don’t have to suffer more of these extreme
sporty types!
“So what do you
hope to get out of this trip?” shouted Servin Shervin over the strong gusts.
“Chilblains,
blisters and probably hypothermia,” said Proper, whose thermals were now icing
up,” I only came for the mulled wine and apres-ski party.”
“You and me
both,” replied Mr Carat Cartier,” my carats are well and truly shrivelled in
these temperatures!”
“I thought it
was a Formula 1 Bobsledding weekend,” said Ms Hilton Hotel.
She’s just a
façade, thought Proper eyeing her ample cleavage bursting through her
jacket, some of us don’t have to put all our goods in the shop window- hardly
proper at all!
“Poupou would
have loved those carrots, wouldn’t he Proper?” said Prim, making a valiant
effort to keep up with the team leader.
Poupou. Proper
had a momentary pang of home-sickness as she thought of that small ball of
white fur snuggled up on his favourite seat in the warm conservatory……actually…HER
seat that he was never allowed to sit in…..he’d be taking full advantage in her
absence!
The Sherpa made
some motions to the team leader and it was decided that they would set up camp
there for the night.
“But it’s in the
middle of nowhere,” wailed Ms Bling-Bling, ”I’m in need of a serious pedicure
and facial; just look at my chapped lips.”
“That Sherpa
doesn’t seem to feel the cold,” remarked Prim.
“Of course not;
he’s wearing the best fabric double glazing there is,” said Servin Shervin,
“and he’s a complete pro.”
They all sat
around a little fire and ate their meagre rations of dehydrated liver,
sardines, onions and sweet potato.
The team leader
was helping himself to some amber fluid that he said was for medicinal purposes
and he passed it around the group.
Proper nearly
choked as she felt the familiar burn down her throat.
“That’s alcohol!
Prim don’t touch a drop!”
Too late; Prim’s
ice water had been spiked and Proper noted that she was unashamedly making eyes
at the team leader…the hussy!!
Servin Shervin
regaled them with stories of his adventures and his general bonhonmie warmed
the cockles of their frozen hearts…..even Proper was melting but thought
it might be a touch of incontinence!!
Suddenly, he
burst into song:
“Primsy, Primsy,
Iet me build us an igloo
I’m half cut
un-til you say I
do
It won’t be a
stylish
interior
But you’ll never
feel
inferior
You’ll be queen
of this ice
And I’ll be your
tarragon and spice
Primsy, Primsy,
we’d be so hap-py
You, me, Sherpa
and a husky or three
You’d have my
undivided attentions
But not my
honourable intentions
I know you think
this is pie-in-the-sky
But I can’t help
it …..I’m a no meaningfulness kind-of-guy!”
Prim had never
been serenaded before and felt a warm, fuzzy feeling come over her. The only
other time she felt this way was when the Archbishop had come to town.
They all retired
for the night thought Proper hardly got a wink of sleep as the loud snores of
the team leader and his Sherpa were quite deafening.
In the morning,
they were all greeted to a glorious sight. The sun had come out and the snow
glistened all around them.
“I promised you
a surprise,” said Servin Shervin, “ and there it is…..the exquisite beauty of
the Arctic.”
“Quite rivals my
carats,” said Mr Cartier-Carat.
“And my
diamontes,” said Ms Bling-Bling.
“Where’s the
concierge,” said Ms Hilton Hotel,” I need some dry-cleaning done!”
“I’ve got a
voucher that gets you two for one,” said Mr Coupon-Champion.
“So off we go
for another day of trekking,” said the team leader as the Sherpa trudged
through the thick snow.
“Oh, I’m
freezing,” cried Proper quite distraught.
“Don’t worry,
the arctic soup kitchen’s only 150 km away,” said Prim brightly; Servin Shervin
had really cheered her up.
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