Ms Prim and Ms Proper.............become members of the Glitterati

 

 

Ms Prim and Ms Proper enjoyed being part of the community. Being civic minded, they often volunteered at the local school, church, OAP and youth clubs. They’d been dinner, lollipop and pink ladies, the latter for a Grease spoof they’d appeared in. They were the first in the protest march for the closure of the local vet’s as Ms Prim was rather fond of her cute bunny though Ms Proper complained about his little doings around the house. In fact, Ms Prim has nearly got herself arrested as she had argued strongly for animal rights in the middle of the high street which hadn’t gone down too well on the day of the annual carnival.  Ms Proper had been mortified as the only brush with the law she’d had was to when she’d dry cleaned the Detective Inspector’s uniform!

 

So when their friends, Ms Glam & Ms Prima-Donna, asked them to join their newly formed club – the Glitterati – they were curious.

 

“What’s your Msion statement?” asked Ms Proper opening her notebook.

 

“To save the world from drudgery and boringness by lighting and lightening up and to right the wrongs against the Sistahood!”

 

Ms Prim’s imagination was fired. I am a light to the world and I’ve always wanted to save it…..a light on someone’s path…..how noble, she thought.

 

Ms Proper wrote it all down carefully and thought she might put it on a spreadsheet. There had to be a lot of wrongs that needed righting and her notebook wouldn’t be big enough!

 

“We have three tiers of membership – Glitter Babes, Glitter Girls and Glitter Goddesses – but you have to start at the bottom, babe,” said P-D sucking on her e-cigarette.

 

Ms Glam was smoking on the real thing and it was giving off a funny smell.

 

“Isn’t smoking unhealthy?” said Proper, waving the smoke out of her face.

 

“Not if you do it elegantly and with a purpose,” replied Glam,” once you reach goddess status you’ll be communicating through intricate smoke signals….especially with the male members”

 

“Oooh ” exclaimed Prim, “ M-E-N….I never had much success when I did it the old-fashioned way – mouth to mouth.”

 

Proper was getting a headache at the mere thought of smoking this pungent brand but she thought she’d better keep her mind open whilst keeping her legs firmly crossed.

 

“This is a secret society and you’re to tell no one until you go finish the initiation process.”

 

“And what do we have to do for that?” asked Prim eagerly.

 

Glam looked disparagingly at Prim.

 

“For a start, you can wipe that silly smile off your face!, “ Glam snapped, “You’ve got to take this seriously.”

 

“You can’t look happy,” added Prima-Donna, scowling” you’ll give us a bad name!”

 

“To be a member of the Glitterati you need to be mean and moody. Your first assignment is to find a suitable candidate for a mental makeover. You must introduce her to the Sistahood by asking her to look into the Glitter Ball. ”

 

“A real airhead,” said P-D menacingly, “someone who has a lot of hot air coming out of her mouth and swirling between her ears.”

 

Prim and Proper racked their brains. They thought long and hard, hard and long..and came up with Ms Numb-Skull.

 

The next day, Prim and Proper put on a spread for Numb-Skull. There were greasy sausages, thick gravy, buttery mash potatoes, dripping eclairs, oozing scones and luxurious bread and butter pudding with lashings of cream.

 

Numb-Skull had no concept of healthy eating and she loved and lived to eat.

 

Proper poured out a cup of tea as Numb Skull ate ravenously.

 

“Are you interested in changing the world?” asked Proper.

 

Numb-Skull stopped chewing mid-éclair.

 

“Nope,” she said with a mouth of masticated food on full view “ the world looks just fine to me the way it is.”

 

“But don’t you think it could be glitterier?” said Prim, sampling the bread and butter.

 

There was a long silence in which Numb-Skull’s two brain cells rattled around.

 

“Glitterier?” ventured Proper, wondering what on earth a mental makeover could do for someone with more pink matter than grey?

 

Numb-Skull thought again and this time it lasted two days but nothing would induce her brain cells to come up with an idea.

 

Prim and Proper decided to communicate with each other through smoke signals. They lit up and started contorting their lips into strange shapes.

 

Smoke shapes wafted around the room and soon the two ladies had succumbed to the fumes.

 

Prim and Proper had lost all their inhibitions were rolling on the floor like beached whales.

 

“I’m a sperm whale,” cried Prim, helpess with laughter, “watch out for my immaculate ejaculation!”

 

“I’m waiting for your holy impregnation!” Proper replied in a fit of giggles.

 

Numb-Skull’s two brain cells stood to attention.

 

These two are crazy; I’d better get out of here before my brain cell’s gets lonely, she said and took her leave.

 

The two newest members of the Glitterati were curled up on the rug, fast asleep….in their birthday suits…that were in need of ironing.

 

“Where’s Numb-Skull?” Proper asked, yawning, quite unaware she was in the noddy.

 

“She’s gone to get her brain washed,” shrieked Prim, letting it all hang out.

 

There was a knock at the door.

 

Proper went to answer it and was greeted by Glam and P-D.

 

“How did it go?” they asked in unison, “and where are your clothes?”

 

“Clothes?” said Proper.

 

“Clothes?” echoed Prim.

 

Then they both looked down and screamed.

 

Proper was the first to speak.

 

“I….er…we…were trying out a new strategy for the Sistahood.”

 

“And what’s that?”

 

“Erm, we have to get back to Nature, like the Garden of Eden.”

 

Prim looked at her friend mystified.

 

“Have you been looking into my glitter ball?”

 

 

 

“Um…why?” asked Proper.

 

“Because when I looked at it earlier I saw us with something dark and strong in the garden,” Prim said.

 

“A man,” declared Glam, “they’ve only bagged themselves a tall, dark, handsome one. C’mon P-D, this hood ain’t big enough for our egos and you are now ex-communicated from the Glitterati.”

 

“But why?” wailed Prim, lifting her boobs off the floor.

 

“You’ve not obeyed the Glitter Ball mantra: “Thou shall not reveal thy bits!”

 

Proper was glad to see them go and, in her nude state, felt free. Light was hitting the parts where the sun didn’t use to shine. Perhaps she was the gift to the world and, with that thought, she headed out to the garden. 

 

Prim, in the meantime, had covered herself up and felt something nibbling at her leg.

 

Snake, she thought, every Garden of Eden has one!

 

“Pr...Proper,” she cried gingerly, pointing down at her foot, too afraid to look.

 

Proper looked and stared and then burst out laughing.

 

Prim looked down and saw that it was only Poupoo, the rabbit.

 

“Oh, thank God,” cried Prim with relief.

 

“So what was the dark and strong thing you saw in the glitter ball?” asked Proper.

 

“A cup of tea, just the way you like it,” beamed Prim holding it out to her in a proper teacup and saucer.

 

“I don’t think Secret Societies are for us.”

 

“No, I can’t keep a secret,” said Prim,” and we’ve got more than glitter in our heads.”

 

“Let’s do some arts and crafts and use glitter the old-fashioned way!” said Proper.

 

So they made themselves two tiaras and danced in the altogether in the moonlight.