Ms Prim & Ms Proper...... entertain

Ms Prim and Ms Proper.......entertain

 

Mses Prim and Proper were in the kitchen. Proper was cooking up a storm as she always had something unusual up her sleeve. Cooking with a twist was her speciality as she threw in a myriad of spices and herbs over the legumes and meat as they boiled, fried and roasted.

Prim’s enthusiasm was not usually stirred by being in the kitchen though she played her part as sous-chef as Proper gave the orders. The only thing that was getting twisted (apart from knickers) was Prim’s neck as she followed Proper from here to there and there to here.

“The flavourings aren’t quite right!” cried Proper,” stop slacking and bring that Oyster sauce here!”

Prim obeyed but she hated it when Proper demoted her from sous-chef to scullery maid.

“Turn over the page of that cook book; I need to see if I’ve left anything out,” said Proper, all red in the face.

Prim turned over the page and thought that the only thing missing from this recipe was a little kindness.

“Shall I slice the mushrooms?” asked Prim.

Proper nodded but she was distracted by reading over the recipe.

“We’ve got the cock and the wine; what the problem?” asked Prim, slicing away “ you’ve made this dish so many times before, you should know it by heart!”

Proper looked up and stared at Prim.

“Why do you say cock…when it’s coq……coq-au-vin, actually!” replied Proper, clearly exasperated.

“You’re too much of a perfectionist is all I can say!”

“Of course I am….I’m Proper!”

“Well, I’ve got a secret ingredient too!” sniffed Prim, “ it’ll make our dinner party go with a bang.”

“I don’t know why you wanted to invite a food critic over for dinner,” snapped Proper,” it’s too much pressure.”

“But you thrive on it and it’s only Ani Seed and her hubby, Josh Rogan.

“Josh Rogan,” cried Proper, “ I can’t stand him; he’s a misogynist!”

“Miso-what?”

“He hates women…with a vengeance….didn’t you know?”

“Poor Ani,” said Prim,” it’s no wonder she’s so scatty. The last time I saw her she was asking me which herb goes with Weetabix!”

“And those poor kids,” wailed Proper,” Asafoetida and Fenugreek look malnourished!”

The table was laid immaculately with the best linen and table ware. Prim and Proper never scrimped on fine dining at home or away.

Prim had arranged an elegant vase with pussy willow stems though Proper had said that carnations would have been more appropriate but a little bit of pussy never went amiss!!

The doorbell rang and Prim ushered in their guests.

Proper considered herself the hostess with the mostess as she wheeled in the drinks trolley.

All she needed was a uniform and she would have looked the part of an air stewardess although Proper hated heights and felt quite giddy on the third rung of the step ladder.

“Oh what a beautiful cushion!” exclaimed Ani, stroking the material, “feels so alive and warm!

“It is alive and warm,” replied Prim, indignant,” Pou-Pou is not a cushion!”

Prim snatched Pou-Pou up into her arms and soothed her. Ani had nearly sat on him and Ms Seed may be feather brained but she was no featherweight!!

Proper had picked out a  fragrant sangria, that Prim had added some extra ingredients to.

“Apple, strawberries, kiwi….and mushrooms?!!” Josh was holding up his glass to the light. He was dressed in his customary black suit and white shirt and looked like an undertaker.

Proper almost choked and threw Prim a filthy look.

“These are the Japanese Boolchit variety; served as an aperitif in the best karaoke bars of Tokyo,” said Prim.

“And what’s the white powder around the glass?” asked Josh

“Oh, that’s a dusting of icing sugar!”

“Wine in sugar?” said Josh, a touch sarcastically,” such a novelty!”

Ani looked at Josh fearfully. He hated nearly all of her female friends, except Silicone Sybil for obvious reasons,  and Prim and Proper were at the top of his hit list.

“Well our main course is coq au vin,” said Proper regretting that she’d allowed herself to be talked into this invitation by Prim.

“Chicken in wine!” declared Prim with a sardonic grin,” who’d have thought  to put chicken into wine or is it wine into chicken….which came first….the chicken or the wine?”

“Why did the chicken cross the road?” piped up Fenugreek

“So that it could go to the off-licence!” said Asafoetida, bursting into a fit of giggles.

Josh frowned at them.

“We’re a blended family but some of us don’t blend very well; wrong ingredients you see. I like dark, Ani likes light!”

Josh seemed to be enjoying the Sangria and was becoming gregarious.

“Have you tried bonding?” asked Proper

“Oh yes, but Fenu and Asa have an allergy to superglue!” trilled Josh, who was loosening up. The sangria was going down a treat.

Proper dished up and they all sat down.

“I don’t like slugs!” said Asafoetida.

“They’re capers,” said Proper.

“How about you and me go out for a caper or even a canter sometime,” replied Josh, slapping Proper on her derriere.

“Are you inebriated?” asked Ani.

“I hope so, darling, my sap is rising!” said Josh, stabbing at his chicken.

“I didn’t know you studied astrology,” said Prim, “ I’ve often thought that when the sap rises that’s when the vampires come out.”

“Love vampires,” said Fenugreek, licking his lips.

“You have the lifestyle of one; sleeping all day and up all night!” said Ani, rolling her eyes.

Proper was feeling slightly woozy.

After the main, Proper served up her signature dish; apple crumble with lashings of cream.

“UMMmmmmmmmm,” said Josh dreamily, “this is gorgeous, reminds me of hazy, summer days -  sapphire blue skies, factor 50, on the yacht with with buzzy mossies nipping flesh!”

“How’s your cook book coming along, Ani?” asked Prim.

“Oh….I’m halfway through…..er….sampling…” said Ani, mumbling through her crumble.

“And it’s showing dear,” said Josh, “on your hips!”

“Handles, even love handles are  important,” answered Prim,”what would a cup be without its handle?”

Proper wished the floor would open and swallow her up. Prim was getting out of her tree!

“Is that a double D cup or even a GG?” said Josh leering at her.

“You’ve mistaken me for Ms Silicone; you’ll get more than a cup of sugar from that old bag!” retorted Prim, hotly. She had had just about enough of Mr Josh Rogan.

Josh turned to Proper who had put on the kettle.

“Hey Proper, you’re a proper little tease,” said Josh staggering to his feet and grabbing at her.

“Have you seen my new Spotify playlist?” cried Proper, trying to avoid his wandering hands.

“Spotted Dick!” said Ani, “ that’s going to be in my new cook book!”

“I’m seeing spots and stripes,” said Fenugreek who’d been taking sneaky sips of Sangria.

Asafoetida was trying to snip at Poupou’s fur thinking it was Angora.

Prim had had enough of them all and Proper looked as if she was just about to have a nervous breakdown!

Ani took the hint and gathered her family together.

“Thank you, Ladies, been so nice….” said Ani with a loud burp holding Josh by the arm and shepherding him out.

“Fanks,” said Asafoetida and Fenugreek, “laters.”

Once the door was closed, Prim and Proper exhaled loudly.

“You spiked the Sangria,” Proper accused, “Japanese mushrooms, my foot!”

“It’s something I picked up from one of Ani’s cooking programmes, “ replied Prim, “ she said Japanese mushrooms were as good as crack cocaine…..and so it is!”

“It’s time for some green tea or colonic irrigation?” said Proper.

“I’ll go with the tea…much less painful than irrigation.”

So the ladies sat in the conservatory, had their tea with Poupou thanking his lucky stars that he hadn’t been sat on by Ani Seed!

 

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